life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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