Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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