we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Randomize
