I'm pants shitting drunk right now
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
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