I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
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