3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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