I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
