Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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