I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
