I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
