the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
