He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
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