It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Randomize
