i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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