the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
