I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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