We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
