Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
