Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
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