There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
