I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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