I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
