Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
So many bounce houses so little time
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
