It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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