I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
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