Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
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