Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
My underwear smells like fireworks.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
