I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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