look no pants
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
last night I used snow as a chaser
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
