Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
