Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
