I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
