why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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