i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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