I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
