Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
