I wish you could order shots online.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
