yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
