He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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