Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
