also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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