it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
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