I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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