Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
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The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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