Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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