WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Randomize
