planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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