I wannas sexs uuuuu
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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