jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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