her vagina looked like bernie madoff
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
