What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
