Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
