walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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