Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
the condom got lost in my hair
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
