tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
We talked him into tasing himself.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
